What a weekend! I am so pissed off at men that I could kill them all. I am so tired of being treated like shit! Dave, oh that sweetheart has turned out to be a Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde. All week after I asked him if he wanted me to cook dinner for him he acted like he didn’t want me to. He called it off telling me he would be tired after the boat and that it was the anniversary of his father’s death. I understood but then he told me he wanted to see me Saturday, then he didn’t. Well Saturday rolls around and no call. I called him and I could tell someone was there (a girl) he said he would call back but he didn’t. I went out anyway to the Chalon in Pasadena. It was O.K. nothing to holler about. I met a really cute guy named John and he said he would come over Monday but I don’t expect any miracles.
I am telling you, you can’t trust anybody anymore. Especially men!
So today no call from Dave. I called him at 7:00 p.m. and he is home but doesn’t want to talk about it so I hang up. I call back and say I want an explanation and I do a lot of talking but I get no answers. He is leaving, so says he will call me tonight.
I am so pissed, I don’t care anymore. I must invite this kind of treatment. I am so tired of it. Frank hasn’t called so it is obvious that he doesn’t care at all. I miss him so much, Why? I am so tired of this. Can’t men pick on somebody else?
A note from my 2019 self to my 1975 self:
Judy, you sweet silly girl. If only you knew what I know. You always picked the type of guys that were going to be flaky. You had so many good guys who wanted to date you but you would always say no, or maybe go out once and find them boring. You wanted drama in your life, but when you got the drama you would then be mad at the men in your life instead of at yourself. In the last paragraph you say “I must invite this kind of treatment”, well I must say that yep, you did! No excuses, no blaming your mother, your father, or anyone else, it was all you. So many wrong choices, so much treating people terribly. You grew up finally but it took you 3 marriages to do it, and even then you made some huge mistakes. You are so lucky and I know you will realize it much later. These are the days of Mr. Goodbar and you are lucky you didn’t get raped or killed. But I can’t make you change the way you are so just keep your eyes open and try to be good to as many people as you can, especially yourself.
So far this has been a pretty good week. Dave is calling me every day. I am supposed to cook dinner for him at his place Saturday. He really doesn’t sound too enthused about it, but I guess it’s because he will be working on the boat all day and will be tired. But I have no where else to go. I am not seeing anyone else right now (I wonder if Dave likes that idea?) We do have a date for August 2nd to go to the Tikis with some of his friends. I am looking forward to that. I haven’t heard from Frank all week, I guess that proves how much he really cares “none”!
My dad still isn’t feeling good. Of course my mom is so dumb she doesn’t ask the doctor what is wrong or how serious he is, I think it is more serious than they think it is. This is the first time in my life I have seen him this sick. Mom says he isn’t even drinking at all! Which doesn’t sound like him at all! I am worried. What if he should die. I may not be close to him, but I love him, we have all been through a lot together. He and I have really had some personality clashes. but I love him, please don’t let anything happen to him.
Work is O.K. I have a lot to do. Today we were laugh so hard. Fae got a phone number of a prostitute house, it was a recording, real sexy! We were giving all the bosses messages and they would call the number and bust up! It was nice. Not much more to say – Bye.
Today’s thoughts: Oh, the Tikis was such a cool place. It was a huge outdoor area that had bars and food and they put on Polynesian type shows, with dancers and fire eaters and such. Very popular in the 1970’s. It’s gone now but it remembered so fondly by people where I grew up.
My dad did have shingles and he suffered a bit but this illness didn’t last long and he lived until 1995, so almost 20 more years. I am surprised I wrote about how he and I didn’t get along and had personality clashes. Of course, as he wasn’t my biological father, but I didn’t know that until much, much later. We might have still had those clashes if he had been my bio father but in looking back at our family with the benefit of hindsight, it makes so much sense.
I still remember the phone number prank. One of the bosses got the message, made the call, and we were just waiting to see what he would do. He ran out of his office with his briefcase and said “I gotta go somewhere!” The whole office laughed so hard. It wasn’t a bad place to work, I just got so tired of being trapped at the pbx switchboard and the lady who supervised me was such a bitch.
On Monday Frank got rude to me again so I told him off (after I wrote the last entry Frank came over and tried to apologize, he even said he was sorry, but it just didn’t help much. He kissed me and said he would be back later but of course didn’t come.) He was here when I got home, working on the dune buggy and we were talking a little. He got rude and I told him to get all of his shit out of my garage and take the dune buggy and cram it, so he did! I said I didn’t want to see him anymore, so for a week I didn’t hear from him, then today he calls me and wants his speakers back. He was nice on the phone but I told him he didn’t care and he made another rude remark so I hung up. I am so tired of his rude remarks that I could shit! Well he might come over tonight to try to get the speakers so I will see what happens. He called here last night when I was out with Dave and asked Guy if I was out with “that bearded fuck” meaning Mike. What an ass! He called my mom today and she thought he was Mike! What a chop! It has been so peaceful this last week without him, I am so tired of his shit. I need to be away from him.
I am not going to see Mike any more, his dope problem is one reason but I guess I feel he is too short and I hate beards. I know those are dumb reasons, we also have a personality clash. I guess that is most of all our problem. He is mad at me cause I broke our date Saturday but I wanted to be with Dave.
Dave and I went to Pinnacle Pete’s for dinner, it was so good! Steak! Then we went to see “Tommy” the movie. I really liked the movie, Dave didn’t. We made love before we left, I felt so good! He let me go down on him but he wiggled so much it was hard. When we got home he was tired that he didn’t want to made love, dud! But I understood because he had been working on his boat all day. I spent the night but I couldn’t sleep for shit! I can never sleep in a strange bed. We got up at 8:00 and we took a shower together, it was nice! Then we made love and he held a little stiller for me, it was nice! I came home and Dave and Johnny and I were supposed to have a bar-b-que together at Dave’s brothers house. But he called me as soon as I got home and his brother had called it off. Oh well, Johnny and I went to Guy’s ball game and visited with the family. Then of course Frank called and upset my day. I should be used to it by now!
My dad was in the hospital for a couple of days and they think he has shingles and stomach trouble. He is home now, I went to see him and he looks not too good. I was sick for 2 days. I missed 1 1/2 days of work. That won’t help my paycheck any. Boy was I sick!
I really liked the movie Tommy. It is still going through my mind.
Well, goodnight, I hope this will be a good week.
See me, feel me, touch me, heal me – words from “Tommy”
Today’s reflection: I was so superficial in those days that I let Mike’s height (just as tall as me, which was about 5’6″) and his beard (which I hated) sway my feelings for him. I must admit he smoked a lot of Marijuana and I did not like. Not that I didn’t do it sometimes, but I was not a big fan. I would get a boyfriend, dive in head first, and then get tired of them….I think Frank was the longest boyfriend I had had up until that time unless you count my first husband, but even then I think Frank and I passed that. I was pretty much Shallow Hal, if you have seen the movie, only the female version.
My poor dad suffered from one sort of health issue or another but that was because he drank so much alcohol his body was just kinda shot. Although he lived to be almost 80, he was never healthy. I can remember being a kid and when he would get up in the morning, before work, he would mix up baking soda and water and drink it to settle his stomach. He never did eat much either, tender tummy most of the time.
I sure did love that music from Tommy at that time, I do remember that.
I got the truck. My credit wasn’t even approved yet and I got it. They might take it away from me but that’s life. It won’t break my heart cause I already got a speeding ticket in it today at the beach. Ah, such is life.
Friday at work Frank called and asked me to go to Big Bear with him and his family and I really thought he was going to act nice then he said “there’s not enough room for Johnny”. That pissed me off so much that I hung up on him. He called back and said “don’t ever hang up on me again” So I said loudly “I will hang up on you whenever I want to” and I did again! He called back and said “I hope everyone heard you” and I proceeded to tell him off but before I get 10 words out he hung up on me! He is such as ass that he had to have the last word! I was so pissed I was shaking!
On to pleasanter things! My date with Dave was fantastic. I went over his house at 7:30 and he was in the shower and came out with a towel wrapped around his waist and boy what a body! He is a fox! Well, he kissed me and wow can he kiss! I thought I would melt. He got dressed (what self control!) and then we kept messing around, he kept saying “let’s go eat” and then he would start kissing me again! I finally had to jump up and walk away. He is so sexy. He asked me not to wear a bra, which is more comfortable anyway and so we went to Bahooka. It was so nice. We talked and laughed. We had a flaming drink for two. Delicious! and had a good ribs dinner. By the time we left it was 11:30. We then went to his place and promptly made love. He is so huge and thick. God it was beautiful! I wanted to take him in my mouth but he wouldn’t let me because he had already been inside of me and said he wasn’t clean enough! We made love 2 times and were kissing and hugging the rest of the time. He is really a beautiful person, so sweet and affectionate. I finally left at 2:30. Wow!
Diane called me before I left for my date with Dave. She is finally home. We are ready to party! but she is kind of heavy so it won’t be as easy! I am just glad she is home! I had such a beautiful time with Dave I keep thinking about it!
Well, goodnight and sweet dreams!
Today’s thoughts: First of all I am amazed at how I loved exclamation marks. I really loved them then, I still do, but didn’t realize how much I did then too.
Damn truck! I remember getting that ticket down by Huntington Beach. The cop told me it was a nice truck, but he still gave me the ticket, jerk.
Fighting with Frank seemed to be a daily occurrence back then, I wonder now why we even bothered? We both just couldn’t let go.
I remember that date with Dave, barely, but after reading this entry I remembered it was that wonderful kind of date where you hit it off and you are all happy and giddy. I really didn’t want to put the sexual stuff in this transcription but, again, I promised to put it all down so there you go. I did not remember the part about his size. I was in lust! See, there is the exclamation mark again. The pill gave us girls in the 1970’s major sexual freedom. I took it religiously, I did not want to have any more babies, my little Johnny was enough. But you have to remember there were no diseases that couldn’t be cured by penicillin back then so we didn’t worry too much about unprotected sex as long as we were taking the pill.
I feel bad about the heavy remark regarding my friend Diana but it is what it is. She and I have battled our weight for all of our lives, she just seemed to have a harder time of it when we were younger.
There are so many words I can use to describe my mom, beautiful/vain/loving/selfish/preoccupied/drunk/flirt/man hater/man lover/inappropriate. Oh, there are so many more but I will stop there.
A little background on Etta – by the way, never call her that! She went by Louise, she did not like her first name and didn’t even use it as a middle name. If you wanted to piss her off just say “Hey Etta” needless to say I did that once or twice! She was born March 10, 1916 to my gay grandma Elma Etta Fairman and a tubercular young man named Leonard Ledger that grandma married in 1913. Now, I don’t know if grandma knew she was gay when she married Leonard, but after he died of that horrible disease in 1918 and she began a relationship with her friend Amy Hoag it became pretty obvious. Of course in the 1920’s nobody spoke of being gay, or homosexual.
My grandmother was a bookbinder and Leonard worked in the printing business so I think that is how they met. Of course my mom didn’t remember her father, as he died when she was 2, but she did tell me a couple of things her mother shared with her. 1. He was mean. He pushed her down stairs once and caused her to lose a baby. 2. He was a racist. He was born in Louisiana and came to the Los Angeles area with his family somewhere around 1910 – he had told my grandma that he didn’t like black people and if they were walking on the same side of the street as he was he would cross the street. 3. He got angry that my grandmother had gained weight while pregnant with my mom and didn’t lose it right away. Already I don’t like the guy. It is interesting that when he died in 1918, no one in his family attended his funeral, only my grandma’s family. And no one put a headstone on his grave. He is buried in Hollywood Forever cemetery and I went there once and found where he was buried, no headstone. More about my grandfather in this post here.
So, my mom was now 2 years old in 1918 and my grandmother was widowed and she had to work. From what I can tell from about 1918 to 1921 my grandmother Elma moved in with her mother Elllen Fairman and that is who watched my mom. My great grandmother Ellen was separated and not living with great grandpa Charles (history of his mental illness will be another post) but then great grandma died in Sept. 29, 1921.
So according to my mom, and backed up by pictures and some existing records,on Sept. 4th, 1921 my mother was put in the Boys and Girls Children’s Aid Society in Pasadena.
Grandma paid for my mom’s board there (20% of her $72.00 a month salary) and I am sure my mom went home as much as grandma could arrange – I have many pictures of Elma, my mom Louise, and Amy Hoag on outings during the 1920’s. Mom only told me one orphanage story, I think it was a traumatic time for her as she never spoke of it. One time she and other children got lice in their hair and the staff poured gasoline on the kids heads to get rid of it. I can only imagine how horrible that must have been for a little girl.
By about 1928 when mom was 12 she got to move back in with her mother as grandma Elma felt that mom could take care of herself while grandma worked. This is where my mom would get a bit odd when talking of those days, you see, she lived with her mother Elma and her mother’s girlfriend Amy. I definitely feel that mom was uncomfortable but had no choice. Or maybe just didn’t want me to know. I speak of one incident that occurred during this time in a previous post here. Mom also told me that she would spend some time in the summers with some of her father’s family. She did not speak of them much, and did not stay in contact with them, but did tell me that one of her uncles offered her a quarter if she would let him “touch” her. She told me that story more than once, I know it affected her greatly.
Mom meets my dad in 1932 or 33 while they are still in high school – well, he is my birth certificate father, not biological, but I didn’t know that until 2015. Elma died in late 1933 while my mom was living as a nanny with a family.
Mom got pregnant the same month her mother died. She and dad, Dexter, get married in March 1934 and my brother Dexter was born on July 4th, 1934. Mom was 18 and dad was 19. For years and years my parents pretended that they got married in 1933 just so my brother would not know the circumstances of his birth – when he found out I am told he was PISSED. He was my brother and I loved him but I find it ironic that he was even surprised. They move in with my dad’s parents, Swedish immigrants, in their boarding house on Magnolia Street in Los Angeles. They called it the Big House. It was very big, 3 floors, lots of rooms.
Grandma was not happy with my mother, called her names according to mom and did not want my dad to marry her – but they did – I mean, it was 1934! In 1936 my sister came along and by 1940 my grandmother had enough and told my folks they needed their own house and I am sure she helped them but they also saved. Mom even worked as an elevator operator in the May Company department store downtown. She told me that she had to lie and say she wasn’t married in order to get the job, in those days married women couldn’t work certain jobs – I guess elevator operator was one of them.
In 1941 they built their own home on Westside Drive in East Los Angeles. 3 bedrooms with a garage, right across the street from gigantic electrical towers, and just down the road from railroad tracks. I am sure that my dad chose the lot because it was cheaper because of those drawbacks. My dad was so tight with a buck! I grew up playing in the fields of those power lines, right under them, I could hear them crackle, I could sometimes feel an electrical pulse from them….Hey, it was the 50’s, what did we know???
Here is where we come to a very important part of Louise’s story. I wasn’t born yet, but my sister tells me (and my brother did too) of both my parents drinking, partying, flirting, hangovers, arguments, you get the drift. The whole Halldin family drank, my dad was an alcoholic and so were his 2 brothers, that was no secret, but my mom drank to silence her demons. I didn’t know how bad it was until much later – but all of the drinking makes sense when I look back on it. Also my mother’s need for male approval. She was the lady who flirted with all the men and was very inappropriate around them. Was that because she had no male figure in her life growing up, or at least not a father figure? I don’t know, I am no psychologist. But I know she was an episodic drunk, not drinking every day, but when she did she was in it to win it. She would not stop until she passed out!
I was born in 1953, my sister got married the following month, my brother was in the Marine Corps. According to my sister, my mother had some abortions between her and me, we are 17 years apart. Why did she keep me? I always wondered until I did my DNA test in 2015 and discovered that I was another man’s child – but that is covered in my beginning posts on this blog so if you are interested, you can click here. And I am pretty sure that alcohol payed a big factor in her life decisions.
Mom drank sometimes during the day, sometimes at night, almost always on the weekends. She and dad had friends that would come over or we would go to their houses and they drank, sometimes they played cards and I would be left to my own. Sometimes there were other kids so at least I had someone to play with but sometimes not.
When I was in junior high my mother and father began fighting almost every night. My father was a daily drinker, he would go to work (owned a plating business with partners and they kept it going when he would go on a bender some days). He would go to a bar, he had many he liked, and he would drink after work and mom would call the bars and look for him and tell him to come home. I never understood that logic. He was in the bar because he didn’t want to come home, duh! My mom was drinking quite a bit, I found vodka bottles stashed around the house and would pour them out if I found them, which really pissed her off. I was so unhappy and started acting out at school. The vice principal called me in and asked me why I was behaving so disrespectfully to the teachers, especially my English teacher. I started to tell her that things at home were bad, parents fighting and instead of listening she told me to stop, it wasn’t her business and to go back to class. No sympathetic school counselors in those days! She called my mom into the school, she told her they had to stop fighting in front of me or when I could hear them and that was it. I heard mom telling dad they had to stop fighting because of the school calling her in. He pretty much didn’t care, it was her that started the fights anyway. But she continued to drink for many years – until sometime in the 1970’s she joined AA. She told me she scared herself as she almost fell in the pool or something while drunk. If she said that, then the truth was much worse I am sure!
A bad thing about AA is that mom no longer had alcohol to deaden the demons, to keep them at bay. So after a couple of years of not drinking, she tried to commit suicide. She would be committed, come home and awhile later, tried again. During the late 70’s and late 80’s I can’t tell you how many times she broke down and we would have an emergency with her. Once she started seeing bugs and ran out into a busy street. The cops picked her up and I had to go identify her at the police station, then they hospitalized her…it was rough. After that she pretty much stayed hospitalized. I believe the demons were winning. She did counseling, she did whatever prescription they gave her, but it didn’t seem to help. She lived to be 87, almost 88 and she was in a nursing home for her last 15 years of her life. Her health suffered, she had a colostomy and she refused to walk after that. She developed leukemia and after treating it for so long with blood transfusions it was just time to let her go.
It was so hard to have a mom that was tortured. It made our lives so chaotic. Time marches on no matter what though. She lost my dad while she was in the nursing home in 1995, my brother in 2002. She died in 2004. I moved to Colorado when she died, I just couldn’t take it around my family any more. We were all dysfunctional because of our crazy upbringing. My brother was an alcoholic and died because of it. My sister lived so many lies all through her life, still does. I used sex as my relief, I was afraid of booze and drugs. My sister married 4 times, I married 3 times. But actually I feel like we were lucky compared to some families. Our father was able to keep his business until his partners wanted to sell and he had a good retirement and investments. He never understood that Mom had to stay in the hospital/nursing home or she would hurt herself or maybe even him. He went to visit her almost every day until he died. Years of therapy didn’t help. I feel like my mom ceased to exist in the late 80’s and never really came back. The fact I was another man’s daughter may have been why she kept me, why she let me do as I pleased, why my father was not engaged with me or my life at all. Then again, I don’t even know if they knew for sure. I am the result of an affair mom had with an unmarried younger man. Were they in love? Was it just sex? Hell, who knows.
So after all of this analyzing and going over my mother’s life what are my conclusions? I honestly don’t have any. I do think my grandmother had a screwed up life, which affected my mother and screwed up her life which in turn screwed up my life and I have probably screwed up my kids lives. But in all of this there was one constant: love. Grandma loved my mom, my mom loved me and I love my kids. I try to remember it was different times my ancestors grew up in, and their decisions were affected by the era they lived in. Etta Louise Ledger tried, but her demons were so strong. I hope she was able to lose them wherever she may be.
David at work has been calling me every night. He is so cute. We are going out Saturday to the Bahoka and then ? I am really looking forward to it and he said he is too.
I went to Atlantic Datsun today and tried to buy a used pick-up. I found one I want. I kind of lid about my credit so I don’t know if I will get it or not. I kind of hope that I won’t cause it will cost me $79.00 a month in payments. That’s alot! Well, I really like the truck but $79.00 is alot especially when I am just surviving now!
Oh well, I will know at 11 a.m. tomorrow. Mike came over last night and when I told him that I was going out on Saturday night he got kind of mad. Then he said “I just wonder where we are going” and that is a very heavy statement for him to make.
I called Frank last night and told him off. I said I didn’t want to see him any more and not to call me. I think he drove by last night. I wonder if he even cares. I just can’t live with the fact that he is such an ass and that I have to kiss his ass all of the time. So, we will see what happens.
I was so horny at work yesterday that I thought I would die. I was even looking at Bruce! He is cute but not my type!
Well, I hope I don’t get the truck, Goodnight!
My thoughts on today’s post:
In the first paragraph I mention the Bahooka, where David and I were going on a date. That place was very popular in the 70’s, it was a Polynesian style decor restaurant that had very private tables, no open seating, and it felt like you were in the jungle, lots of greenery and bamboo walls. I remember they served drinks in huge shells,and they were flaming when they brought them. You could share them with long straws and they put them in the middle of the table. And all the drinks were very sweet and colored. I remember a blue one…oh it was so good!
I smile when I think of the truck I tried to buy and worrying about the $79.00 payment. Today that would be so inexpensive but I was a single mom, I was working full time but not making much. I also no child support, so I got a check from the state. I choose not to get food stamps because I felt I would be too embarrassed at the grocery store. Those were the days when you actually got stamps and had to give them to the checker, and there was a sort of stigma towards welfare at that time.
I do think this is when Frank and I pretty much started ending our relationship. I know in my diary I blame it all on him, but I was so flighty. I kept sleeping with him yet was always looking for a better man, or what I thought was a better man. Frank turned out to be a good man and he tells me I did lots of shit to him and I know cheating on him was the ultimate cruelty. I didn’t know then that I was the result of cheating or maybe I would have lived my life differently. I am not saying we would have made a good couple in the long run, especially now as he is very far right and I am pretty left. But I did not treat him well and vice versa.
I am embarrassed about the horny comment, but I decided to put everything in my diary so that had to be transcribed. I think Bruce was a co-worker who was very fun, we used to play Yahtzee at lunch and had a lot of laughs but he was married, with children, and so not my type. I was a highly sexual creature in my younger days – what can I say?
Well, Frank was really mean to me when I came home from this weekend. On my last pages I wanted him to love me so much and miss me, well he had a ball when I was gone, he is already really getting along good with the airline stewardess. Bitch!
He came over this morning and tried to say he was sorry in his own pricky way. Oh well, I told him I won’t kiss his ass any more and I won’t. (so I always say).
Had a great time at the river. Mike and I got along really good. I was on my period so no great sex. But enough. It was 120 degrees and hot! but the water was beautiful and warm. We didn’t get home till 11 p.m. Sunday and Frank called at 1 a.m. and just yelled at me and called me names. He was really flipped out.
Diana wrote me and said they are on their way home now, alright!
David at work told me yesterday that he has epilepsy, but hasn’t had an attack in 1 year. He is so cute and today I asked him out, he was scared to.
Well, I am tired, Goodnight.
My thoughts on today’s entry: I remember the weekend I am writing about, it was the weekend of July 4th and Mike took me to the Colorado river where lots of Los Angeles people would go. I remember watching fireworks exploding over the river and it was so pretty.
Diana was a friend of mine from school and we stayed close after graduation. Her husband at the time was in the Coast Guard and they had been stationed at Norfolk, Virginia and I missed her. I was happy she was coming home, but in the long run her coming home had a profound impact on my life. That will become more apparent later in the diary entries.
And of course the constant back and forth with Frank – why did I put up with all that and why did he? Even now we can’t really figure out why.