I had to stop last night because Mike came over, he wanted to read this but I wouldn’t let him. I told him that when I was 70 he could read it. Tonight Mike and I went to get some Chinese food I left Johnny with David at his house. My sister gets all uptight but she is such a stick in the mud! (sometimes) Then Mike and I went to his house and took a shower together and then romped on the water bed. It is so nice. He is tender and loving. Not like Frank who only cares about his cookie. And when he does try to make me feel good it is only to feed his own ego. As you can tell I am mad at him. He just came over. He pulled into the driveway and revved his engine. I just got out of the shower so I stuck my head out of the door and said I just got out of the shower, he says “sounds like a personal problem” Then I got mad cause he never comes in, he just expects me to jump out there and talk to him. He never gets out of his truck. Well I told him that and he says “Hay, don’t jump on me, Fuck you” and he tears out. Boy, I slammed the door and got pissed! Poor Johnny, he likes Frank and I always yell at him when I am mad at Frank. He even wanted to give F rank the fathers day present he made at school. I finally talked him into giving it to my dad but that broke my heart. I told Frank and he didn’t even care. Why do I care for him? If he calls later I will probably kick his ass. But if he wants to talk to me he can come into my house. It is so degrading for me to jump to his every wish.
My feelings today: I mentioned my sister getting uptight – David is her youngest son and he helped me out with Johnny quite a bit, he was about 16 at the time. His brother Guy helped me even more but for some reason he wasn’t around I guess…he had just graduated high school so he was probably busy with his friends or girl friends. My sister never wanted me to have fun, go out, she really didn’t like how I lived, but I did what I wanted to. Now we don’t speak, but that is another story.
I wish I could have let Mike read this diary when I turned 70. His death 3 years ago really hits me now. I wish I could have let him know how I felt about his wonderful treatment of me. I also am reliving my weird dependence on Frank. I had forgotten, or repressed so much, he was not very nice, and I did not remember that. In his defense, I was really trying to find the right guy since I knew Frank wasn’t it so his trying to hold onto me was really difficult. Even after Frank was married later, he still kept coming back…why? Just for the sex? I don’t get it really. This exercise is really helping me deal with old stuff, I am glad I decided to do it.