My Diary – June 17, 1975

My nephew’s Mike (not the Mike I am writing about in diary) and David, my dad Dexter, my nephew Guy and my son Johnny in January 1975

I had to stop last night because Mike came over, he wanted to read this but I wouldn’t let him. I told him that when I was 70 he could read it. Tonight Mike and I went to get some Chinese food I left Johnny with David at his house. My sister gets all uptight but she is such a stick in the mud! (sometimes) Then Mike and I went to his house and took a shower together and then romped on the water bed. It is so nice. He is tender and loving. Not like Frank who only cares about his cookie. And when he does try to make me feel good it is only to feed his own ego. As you can tell I am mad at him. He just came over. He pulled into the driveway and revved his engine. I just got out of the shower so I stuck my head out of the door and said I just got out of the shower, he says “sounds like a personal problem” Then I got mad cause he never comes in, he just expects me to jump out there and talk to him. He never gets out of his truck. Well I told him that and he says “Hay, don’t jump on me, Fuck you” and he tears out. Boy, I slammed the door and got pissed! Poor Johnny, he likes Frank and I always yell at him when I am mad at Frank. He even wanted to give F rank the fathers day present he made at school. I finally talked him into giving it to my dad but that broke my heart. I told Frank and he didn’t even care. Why do I care for him? If he calls later I will probably kick his ass. But if he wants to talk to me he can come into my house. It is so degrading for me to jump to his every wish.

Goodnight

My feelings today: I mentioned my sister getting uptight – David is her youngest son and he helped me out with Johnny quite a bit, he was about 16 at the time. His brother Guy helped me even more but for some reason he wasn’t around I guess…he had just graduated high school so he was probably busy with his friends or girl friends. My sister never wanted me to have fun, go out, she really didn’t like how I lived, but I did what I wanted to. Now we don’t speak, but that is another story.

I wish I could have let Mike read this diary when I turned 70. His death 3 years ago really hits me now. I wish I could have let him know how I felt about his wonderful treatment of me. I also am reliving my weird dependence on Frank. I had forgotten, or repressed so much, he was not very nice, and I did not remember that. In his defense, I was really trying to find the right guy since I knew Frank wasn’t it so his trying to hold onto me was really difficult. Even after Frank was married later, he still kept coming back…why? Just for the sex? I don’t get it really. This exercise is really helping me deal with old stuff, I am glad I decided to do it.

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My diary – June 16, 1975

Mike in 2015.

Last night Mike came over. He is so sweet to me. We made some beautiful love. Or should I say he made some beautiful love to me. WOW!

Frank called at 1 a.m. He always calls me late at night I don’t know why. He used to call late and then come over just to make love to me. But he doesn’t want to come over and make love. He just calls and talks. He told me the other night that he met Linda Ronstadt and she was very pretty and nice.

Today my muffler fell off of my car on Baldwin Ave., it was funny. When Frank found out he went and bought me another one. I have to pay him back $6.00. But still he did it for me. Sometimes he is nice to me. Why?

My thoughts on todays entry: I wish I had a picture of Mike from 1975 – I only have the one at top that he sent me in 2015. Imagine him the same but with a full beard and more hair, but the same impish grin was always there! Mike was a sweetheart. He died suddenly from a stroke in June 2016 – I was so saddened to hear of his passing.

I had forgotten about Frank calling me so late all the time. This was the days before cell phones or answering machines or even being able to unplug your phone, so unless you left the phone off the hook (which caused lots of noise as it beep beep beeped as long as it was off) then the phone would ring. I wonder if it woke Johnny up, I can’t remember. We slept in the same room. Any lovemaking I did was in the living room when Johnny was asleep. I drove Volkswagen beetles at this time and I don’t remember this time that the muffler fell off but I do remember it falling off on the freeway about a year later! Obviously I didn’t have any luck with mufflers!

My diary – June 15, 1975

Frank and I going to his prom, 1973

Well this weekend was busy. On Thursday was my nephew Guy’s high school graduation. It was a nice ceremony, even thought it was boring. And you couldn’t see anything. Then we all went to the French Cafe for dinner, Diane went with us, it was bust ups!

Frank called that night, at 1 a.m. and I promised to bring a cake to the fire station on Friday. He also told me he would take us out Saturday night (after I asked him to) When Friday came Mike called me and asked me and Johnny to go somewhere. When Frank called and I told him and he got VERY upset and hung up on me. I called back and said I would bring the cake. Mike was disappointed but I am such a sucker for Frank. He was nice to me at the station and the guys were very grateful, so it was worth it.

Frank and I went to his new house on Saturday and then to Charlie Brown’s in the evening. I hate to go there. We also cruised Valley Blvd. before that and we ate at Pup n’taco. Dud! I hate to listen to music and not be able to dance. Frank won’t dance. Dud! We just don’t get along. He wanted me to go to the swap meet with him Sunday but when he called me, I was just too tired and he, of course, got mad! He came up to Dad’s today (Father’s day) while I was there and told me I am fat and acted like an ass – why do I put up with him? Johnny, David and I swam all day at Mom and Dad’s. It was a very nice day. I talked to Mike. He is so sweet. I hardly saw him this week. I better start being nice to him. Well, Good bye!

My feelings on this entry: I had completely forgotten about Frank wanting me to always bring cakes or cookies or something to his work. I think he liked showing me off, like a prize or something. I swear I would cave in to his every request. I mean, he would take me to that Charlie Brown’s where live music and dancing were and then refuse to dance. I remember that I always felt on display when with him. I try to remember this was the days when women still felt like men defined them, and I had such confidence issues anyway that his attention was welcomed, not shunned. I kept trying to replace him with someone better for me – but I had a hard time.

Reading this diary is bring back lots of things to me that I had forgotten, lots of feelings I had pushed down. Not sure if it is good or bad but I felt it was time to deal with it so I will continue.

My diary – June 8, 1975

Almost the exact type of switchboard I used in my new job.

On the first day of my new job I was so happy. I love it. I was just as happy on the second day and hope to be as happy every day. I have learned to operate the PBX switchboard, It is fun.

On Thursday Frank was looking for me, he finally saw me on the street and made a big stink because I owe him 10 dollars. I told him Mike and I were going out and he starting acting very strangely. He reminded me of my ex-husband. Suck a strange glow in his eyes. Well, he followed me home and when Mike came to pick me up Frank hid in the garage, then called me and demanded his $10. I gave him my last $9.00 and he took it. I really think that was shitty of him. Plus he made some asshole remark in front of Ronny and his new girlfriend. Well, as usual I said I had had it with Frank, that was the end. But on Friday at 4 am. Frank calls and then comes over and apologizes for acting so stupid. I know his heart wasn’t in it. He could really care less but I accepted the apology. I am so DUMB. I just can’t let him go. I keep hanging on to the last thread, although today and he called and wanted me to help him move some stuff to their new house and he said leave Johnny with David. I said no, Johnny goes or I don’t, so I didn’t! He doesn’t like Johnny, he said so himself. Well tuff shit!

Anyway, Mike and I had a wonderful time on Thursday. Mike took Johnny and I to the show. He is very sweet to me and nice to Johnny. Then on Friday he called me at work and asked me to go out. I arranged for a babysitter and then I found out he wanted to take me up on a ski-lift that almost gave me a heart attack last year. So he called off our date. I made an ass out of myself by getting upset and then saying I was getting dependent on him. Boy, that was dumb. Mike is a very good person, but he doesn’t like to be pressured. So I changed clothes and went over to his house and apologized. That was cool. It turned out he never did get up there (it was a night club on Mt. Baldy) and he had a bad night. On Saturday he cooked me and Rick (his roommate) dinner and we just watched t.v. and went to get an ice cream at 31 flavors (my home away from home) Guy (this is my nephew who I was very close to, he was about 17 at this time) was using my house because it was Prom night and I am a nice person. I even bought him the booze! Anyway, We took a shower together and made love in the shower. It was neat! Then we went to bed and I made love to Mike. He told me that he did two firsts. First time he got his cookie in the shower and first time a girl took the time to make him feel good (which I did). I really enjoyed it. I think it was because I didn’t drink or smoke anything. I was just myself. We went to Puddingstone this morning and rode in the boat while Phil skied. But it was too crowded and an ugly day to boot. Mike found out that his mom has a tumor in her kidney (she just had a gall bladder operation) He has been worried about her. We went to the hospital to see her. Then we went to a plant store to buy me a plant and Mike ended up buying a $25.00 fern (huge) and I didn’t get anything. But that’s ok because the fern looks beautiful in his house. He came by about 6:00 and was going to buy us some Gardunos food but I had just washed my hair. I really like the way he treats me. It is so different from Frank or any guy.

There is a cute guy at work who is an inspector, his name is David. He already has asked me out to dinner. No definite date, but I have a feeling it will be soon. The salesmen are all young and good looking., I am wondering whether I better not go out with anyone (at work) I don’t know how they feel about it. I don’t want to mess up my job. I am kind of stuck on Mike right now, but lord knows how long that will last. I hope a long time, he is the best thing that has happened to me in ages. But they say good things never last.

End.

My thoughts on todays entry: So many things run through my head. First, this was 44 years ago and I was so young. Johnny was my son who was only 4 and the love of my life. I don’t remember things in such detail so this diary is bringing things back. Last night I had a dream about Frank still coming around….dredging up old stuff is weird. I think of that job….I really did run an old PBX machine with the cords! It was a trip. But the old lady I worked for was so grumpy and controlling, I don’t remember how long I lasted but, not too long. I remember the emotions with Frank and his behavior became too much for me and I kind of freaked out and quit. But I also worked with such nice people, kind people. I always would mess up any situation with my immature personality and always wanting things my way….not sure I have matured that much, but I have tried. Funny how I had forgotten how kind Mike was to me and to Johnny, but in my pea brain, because he was so short, because he wasn’t traditionally handsome, I just couldn’t stay liking him no matter how good he was to me. I do remember not liking how much dope he smoked so maybe that also had something to do with it. The diary may tell more later !

My diary – June 2, 1975

Today I was off from work, I shampooed my carpets, they were so dirty! Johnny helped, we went for a walk to the park and then to 31 flavors for an ice cream. Then to Barb’s for Mexican food a la Gil’s.

Mike called today. He wants to go to the river this weekend. We are going out tomorrow night. First time since a party which was our first date about 3 weeks ago. I hope we have a nice time. I wish that I didn’t rely on men so much to make me happy. I must admit though, I have been sewing and embroidering more and I want to go back to school. Well I talk enough but don’t always do what I say. Good night!

My reaction: I smile when I think of 31 flavors, we lived close to one and I always took my son there for an ice cream. Barb is my sister and she was 17 years older than me with a boyfriend/husband and 3 teenage boys. Those boys were like my brothers as we were very close in age. Johnny and I spent lots of time at their house in the 70’s. Gil’s was our favorite mexican restaurant. They had the best refried beans and we still talk about them even though they closed many many years ago.

Mike was the old friend I mentioned in my first post. We did date for awhile but we were better as friends and stayed that way for many years. I remember I kept starting and stopping school. I finally got my degree in 1990 – it took me that long!

1975 – Diary

My son and I in 1974

I found an old diary of mine. It is mostly from June through December 1975, with a couple more entries from 1976 and 1977. It was an odd time in my life. I was a pretty girl with massive issues that I didn’t understand at the time. I have been thinking about transcribing this diary one day at a time without reading it first – and by the end maybe I will hopefully understand my young self better. I remember myself as a good mom, but also drowning in self doubt and always making bad decisions on men. I also think that these diary entries can help future generations of my family get to know me and the times I grew up in and experienced. Here we go!

June 2, 1975 Monday evening

I bought this book today because I thought it was time to start writing down some of the events and thoughts in my life. As of now I am 21, I have been married once and have a 4 year old son. I met my ex-husband in high school in 1969. He was not good looking but he treated me nice and I was looking for an escape from my parents. We went together for almost a year when I finally got pregnant. We got married in February, 1971. I had barely graduated from high school, I went until I was 6 moths pregnant! We had an o.k. marriage until Johnny was born 5/20/71. We were just too young. It lasted until May 1972. I was restless, I had been seeing other men. Trying desperately to escape, if I couldn’t do it with my mind I did it with my body. I went to live with Mom and Dad for awhile but that didn’t work, so I moved in with my sister Barb. She had just had an operation so I took care of her and her family for the summer and fall of 1972. I registered for college in Sept., I got a job at Carl’s Jr and in November of 1972 I got my own apartment. Then in January 1973 I met Frank.. He was 18, tall and good looking. That was a major turning point in my life. We went together for about a year and 4 months. The last 8 months we lived together. I loved him very much but we just couldn’t make it. I was also seeing other men while with him. Looking for an escape. Frank hides his feelings and I couldn’t handle it. He finally left and for 1 year I rarely talking to him or saw him. I ate my heart out and had many short and long term relationships. I was getting more selective at least but he was always on my mind. Now, for the last few months and especially the last few weeks he has been coming around a lot. I believe he is getting tired of me again. But it is o.k. because I am expecting too much from him. He just cannot express feelings. But I will enjoy it while I can and I will probably always love him, yet we cannot get along.

A few weeks ago I discovered a fellow living 2 blocks from me that I used to know when I was a teenager. He has changed (it is 7 years since we saw each other) but he is gentle and kind. He is short but cute, he makes love beautifully and he wants to take me on weekend trips, etc: but I work weekends. I am currently working at Bobs Big Boy in Montebello. It is O.K. but I hate the managers and I work weekends so it’s got to go!

My brother (40) set me up on a blind date with a guy who has a Pantera sports car, the guy was not too bad looking but he acted like an asshole. And I messed my back up getting out of that car. It hurt!

My reaction: I have to laugh. The 1970’s was a time when we were sexually free and open. There wasn’t a sexually transmitted disease that antibiotics couldn’t cure! I made good use of the freedom. But it is sad I couldn’t be true to a husband or boyfriend, it was a continuing problem in my young life. The young man I describe as living down the street from me was a friend for many years, he died a couple of years ago, never married, no children. He remained very sweet all through his life. The Frank I mention also has stayed a friend throughout my life. We have changed and evolved, me to the left, he to the right. Our marriages and kids always in our conversations. He will always be a very, very special part of my life.

I hope you will follow my crazy young 21 year old life as I self analyze…what a trip!