I found an old diary of mine. It is mostly from June through December 1975, with a couple more entries from 1976 and 1977. It was an odd time in my life. I was a pretty girl with massive issues that I didn’t understand at the time. I have been thinking about transcribing this diary one day at a time without reading it first – and by the end maybe I will hopefully understand my young self better. I remember myself as a good mom, but also drowning in self doubt and always making bad decisions on men. I also think that these diary entries can help future generations of my family get to know me and the times I grew up in and experienced. Here we go!
June 2, 1975 Monday evening
I bought this book today because I thought it was time to start writing down some of the events and thoughts in my life. As of now I am 21, I have been married once and have a 4 year old son. I met my ex-husband in high school in 1969. He was not good looking but he treated me nice and I was looking for an escape from my parents. We went together for almost a year when I finally got pregnant. We got married in February, 1971. I had barely graduated from high school, I went until I was 6 moths pregnant! We had an o.k. marriage until Johnny was born 5/20/71. We were just too young. It lasted until May 1972. I was restless, I had been seeing other men. Trying desperately to escape, if I couldn’t do it with my mind I did it with my body. I went to live with Mom and Dad for awhile but that didn’t work, so I moved in with my sister Barb. She had just had an operation so I took care of her and her family for the summer and fall of 1972. I registered for college in Sept., I got a job at Carl’s Jr and in November of 1972 I got my own apartment. Then in January 1973 I met Frank.. He was 18, tall and good looking. That was a major turning point in my life. We went together for about a year and 4 months. The last 8 months we lived together. I loved him very much but we just couldn’t make it. I was also seeing other men while with him. Looking for an escape. Frank hides his feelings and I couldn’t handle it. He finally left and for 1 year I rarely talking to him or saw him. I ate my heart out and had many short and long term relationships. I was getting more selective at least but he was always on my mind. Now, for the last few months and especially the last few weeks he has been coming around a lot. I believe he is getting tired of me again. But it is o.k. because I am expecting too much from him. He just cannot express feelings. But I will enjoy it while I can and I will probably always love him, yet we cannot get along.
A few weeks ago I discovered a fellow living 2 blocks from me that I used to know when I was a teenager. He has changed (it is 7 years since we saw each other) but he is gentle and kind. He is short but cute, he makes love beautifully and he wants to take me on weekend trips, etc: but I work weekends. I am currently working at Bobs Big Boy in Montebello. It is O.K. but I hate the managers and I work weekends so it’s got to go!
My brother (40) set me up on a blind date with a guy who has a Pantera sports car, the guy was not too bad looking but he acted like an asshole. And I messed my back up getting out of that car. It hurt!
My reaction: I have to laugh. The 1970’s was a time when we were sexually free and open. There wasn’t a sexually transmitted disease that antibiotics couldn’t cure! I made good use of the freedom. But it is sad I couldn’t be true to a husband or boyfriend, it was a continuing problem in my young life. The young man I describe as living down the street from me was a friend for many years, he died a couple of years ago, never married, no children. He remained very sweet all through his life. The Frank I mention also has stayed a friend throughout my life. We have changed and evolved, me to the left, he to the right. Our marriages and kids always in our conversations. He will always be a very, very special part of my life.
I hope you will follow my crazy young 21 year old life as I self analyze…what a trip!