Today Johnny and I spent the whole day at Frank’s house. Frank was at work, but Kimmy (Frank’s niece) was having a birthday party so we went over and had dinner and cake and ice cream. It was a nice day. Frank called this morning and I had to take some steaks to his work for him and I met some of the guys. They are all so nice and the fella named Steve told me I was prettier than my picture. Frank is proud of me cause I am losing some weight and I am being nice to him. Last night we went out and had a nice time. He is pretty affectionate now (I wonder why?) When we came home we even made beautiful love. He was good! It is very rarely that Frank wants to be that way. But lately he has been pretty nice to me. At least nicer than he usually is.
Friday night Mike took me and Johnny to see Bambi. We went to eat at Perry Boys, it was good! We also stopped at some friends house of his and I saw another old high school crush of mine, his name is Jim. And boy is he good looking! When Mike and I got home we were talking and he was telling me that he feels that we aren’t getting along. I told him that Frank was still a big part of my life. I can’t tell him that I love Frank and if he wanted me back I would go in a minute. Well, I was sweet and I beat around the bush but I guess things are O.K. We made love and it was nice. But it’s not like with Frank. There is a fierceness in Frank that I love. Mike is too gentle sometimes. But I know he likes me a lot. I just wish I could feel more.
Frank doesn’t want me to go to the river with Mike this 4th of July weekend. He is starting to threaten me. But I can’t back out now, I must keep my promise. I hope Frank will miss me so much that he tells me he loves me when I get back (I feel as if he is close to saying it now) with my luck he will take some other broad somewhere and fall in love with her. I wish I didn’t love him so much, life would be so much easier. Oh well. When I was coming home from the birthday party I went by Mike’s home, he was out so I stopped. He was looking for me all day cause a bunch of people went to Knotts Berry Farm. Rats! Oh well, again.
My thoughts on today’s diary entry: My first thought is “poor Mike, I know he really liked me and I led him along” but we were in our early 20’s and who acts rationally and makes good choices at that age? I know it seems weird now that I depended on men to make me happy, but in those days it was expected. I never fully embraced the women’s movement, I agreed with it but could not seem to put it into practice. I had forgotten all of this back and forth between Mike and Frank. I did love Frank but….I always looked for something better so I guess that wasn’t really love at all. I also realized that weight has always been a problem for me and my self image was always bad if I was a few pounds overweight. I probably weighed about 130, wish I was that now!!!